Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Things I Hate About Detroit

I’m going to spend a lot of time on this blog riding Detroit’s dick hard.  I love this city. I truly do.  Not just for it’s “potential” either.  It’s a viable, creative, fun city.  Yet it has it issues. Just so people don’t think that I’m walking around with horse blinders on I'm going to list a few things I hate about Detroit.  And it’s not just going to be crime and lack of grocery stores. You can take that shit to your Grandma’s house in Wixom.  It’s just everyday little nuisances that if changed would help the city greatly.

1. Nobody Knows How To Parallel Park.
    Seriously, back your car up to where you can’t see the bumper in your rearview mirror.  Don’t worry about tapping the car behind you.  It’s called a bumper for a reason. I know, I know, nobody is even going to park in front of you.  I mean who eats at Le Petite Zinc on Sunday? Oh yeah, fuckin everybody.

2.      Nobody Uses Their Turn Signal.
    Again I don’t know if this is the symptom of the press telling everyone how empty our city is or it’s just a general lack of awareness for the people around you. Either way it’s completely frustrating.  Driving behind someone who makes an abrupt, halting stop only to turn into a gas station is unnerving when it happens as a rarity imagine when it happens often.  And by often I mean ALL THE TIME. As in almost every drive.  It’s already bad enough that you have to take an extra amount of time at every stop sign just in case the car approaching decides to ignore the stop sign in front of him. Now I have to keep a distance from the car in front of me just in case they don’t feel like doing that thing with their finger. You know, that thing, right next to your steering wheel that goes up or down depending on where you plan your movement.  It’s one of the highlights of technological advancement. Try it sometime.

      3.   Walking
          A lot of our time in Detroit is spent driving.  What can really be frustrating is when you want to actually walk around the city.  Most drivers look at you like they're staring at a Yeti.  "Should I let him pass?" Wait why is he not passing?"  BECAUSE YOUR CAR IS STILL CREEPING TOWARDS THE STOPLIGHT!  I'm not going to walk in front of a moving vehicle no matter how slow it's going.  Unlike any other city where the driver has to be attentive for people walking around, most drivers treat it like an rare annoyance when someone is walking or biking in a city filled with 800,000 people.  
      Look that those people, using their feet, the nerve.  
      4.    I Want Thai Food At Three In The Morning.
    Any functional, burgeoning city needs to have a place where you can get Thai food at three in the morning.  New York. Chicago. L.A.  I’m not saying but I’m saying. 

5.   Robocop Statue
     Hey Brandon Whalley your Robocop statue can fuck off.  If this is some type of pop art project you are officially the Kim Kardashian of the art world.  Your shit is weak, talentless and lacks any depth of thought.  Which you’ll probably reply something all high-brow like, “well that’s the whole concept of pop art.” To which I’ll just want to kick you in the nuts. You know what, screw it, I’m going to get a kickstarter going to get a statue of Axel Foley, and, I don’t know, The Crow. The Crow’s from Detroit right?  And you know what, you people, you, you just don’t get it.

                                             stay tuned for my bronze statue Axel Foley kickstarter
6.     Shitty Landlords
    A major complaint I hear from anyone looking to open a place in the city or move into a building is the lack of reasonable, intelligent property owners. It seems that all this press has given these people the illusion that they’re sitting on a gold mine.  That if you approach them about opening a business in their storefront they, don’t have to white box it for you, or give you any of the rent off as you repair what they should have fixed.  You would think that it would be easy to find a place to open a shop in so many closed up storefronts. Yet I’m hearing more and more complaints about the difficultly of finding a place that isn’t a mess, ran by someone who is either rude and/or completely void of reality when it comes to their property.

There you have it.   Just a few things.  Again this will probably be one of the last complaints you'll hear from me about Detroit.  Most of these complaints are things I hear over and over from people.  So hopefully we can find a remedy to the problems now that they're out in the open.  

Next weeks post we’re going to go on a little field trip in order to put to rest some things that are always being said about our city. Come join me. K?


  1. You just fucking done did it SON. p.s. I want to go on that field trip.

  2. what is the robocop statue about? and why does detroit need it? everything i read is just about buying more t-shirts and badges. where's the real info? and yeah, thai food please. why is there nowhere to eat after 10 o'clock that is not a bar? oh yeah, because the only thing people eat past dinner is liquor. is that it?

  3. I like Robocop. He's designed to help white people who have no brothers, in the Black Panthers.
    I lived there, I guess before he had a statue. I think Robert Sestocj created this piece in the 70's and it more or less was abstract. T- shirts, ok there is a limit, but there could be a lack of laundry mats, especially when my family moved to Florida and left me. T-shirts, = good rags. Liquor is good but someone clue this man in, please. I used to love Biff's hamburgers. butI think Wendy's got pushy, coney Island , big boy, pee-wee burgers if you DARE+ White Castle or have MOM pack your lunch.

  4. I'm sorry for probably being one of the people staring at you while you walk, it just freaks me the hell out. If you really want to screw my head up pull up next to me on a bike in one of the dedicated bike lanes on MLK Blvd.. I missed my light because I couldn't figure out if I could turn since that would mean crossing the bike lane.